How to get someone to blurb your book

I’m about to leave for Renovation, the 2011 World SF Convention, but I received a wonderful bon voyage gift from Patrick at Fairwood Press: the advance copies of  Unpossible and Other Stories, my collection that’s coming out this Fall, and now available for pre-order.

One thing I need to do at Worldcon is find people to blurb the book.  I hate asking for blurbs.  There’s nothing like shoving your prized possession into someone’s hands and saying, “Would you please take a moment to look this over?” to make you feel like a Mormon missionary, or that homeless guy who keeps finding dead squirrels.

But that book won’t blurb itself *, so I spent the last few days practicing at home, developing a sure-fire, 3-step process for getting that blurb! And I have named it…

Daryl’s Sure-Fire 3-Step Blurb-Getting Process

Step One: Make the product attractive.

Nothing beats a full-color ARC on real paper, with beautiful art. (This cover’s by Antonello Silverini, all-around cool guy.)  How can you say no to this book? You can’t, that’s how. It’s the slutty girl you had the hots for in high school, or the hot guy you had the sluts for, and they  just invited you over to their house while their parents are away on a couples retreat at Warren Dunes, but the important thing is, the house is empty–and they have Cinemax.

And look, it's already been pre-blurbed! This tells your target what kind of top-notch quoting you expect, and that if they don't like your book, there's something wrong with them.

Step Two: Include a bonus.

One thing I’ve learned from practicing at home — keep a bunch of dog treats in your pants. Reviewers GO CRAZY for ’em. If you don’t have dog treats, substitute with a hot Panini, or beer.

Allow your target to smell the product. And, if necessary, your butt.

Step Three: Don’t take no for an answer!

If your target insists that they are too busy to read the book, simply smack them with a rolled up newspaper.

Try to find blurbers who have all their teeth.

Thank me now, fellow writers! You’re guaranteed to have as much success as me!