Every year about this time, people ask me for gift-giving advice. Daryl, they say, what can we possibly get you that you won’t complain about?
I know what they’re saying. Finding the perfect gift is a challenge, and some people don’t just try hard enough. Frankly, I’m tired of the whining.
But the answer is right in front of you, people. Daryl loves gadgets. Daryl loves things that don’t exist. Just pick one of the following:
Top 10 Gadgets That Don’t Exist
- Simple, home-administered DNA test that will prove Daryl is right in political arguments.
- FM radio that detects when Daryl has already made his donation to public broadcasting and replaces all the pledge drive interruptions with the real programs.
- Angry Birds. Not the game. *
- Multi-compass collector set: Includes moral compass, emotional compass, and the compass that tells Daryl which indie bands will make a sucky second record so he doesn’t have to invest time in them. I’m talking to you, Ting-Tings.
- Jetpack.
- Forcefield that will stop teenagers and drunk drivers from crashing into Daryl in their jetpacks.
- Electrical collar that when triggered will make Daryl’s dog immediately squat and crap. I mean, come on, it’s frickin’ 17 degrees, and she’s going to walk around and sniff? Stupid dog.
- Portable parking spot.
- Starbucks Ultra Super Platinum Remote that kicks people from Daryl’s favorite table, ejects their power cords from the nearest outlet, and changes the PA to his Pandora station.
- Peace Love and Understanding app. So when people accuse Daryl of being selfish and only interested in presents for himself, he can shove his phone in their face and say, See? Would a guy who doesn’t care about people have this? I don’t think so.
So let’s get inventing, people! Only four shopping days left!
* I know, technically this is not a gadget, but I just thought it would cool to own a lot of angry birds. And then launch them at buildings with my slingshot.
Daryl Gregory 
“3. Angry Birds. Not the game. *
“* I know, technically this is not a gadget, but I just thought it would cool to own a lot of angry birds. And then launch them at buildings with my slingshot.”
But what if they were Angry Robot Birds… huh? Huh?!
What’s so funny about that last one?
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It’s true, Charlie, that they would then be gadgets, but their inability to feel pain — and therefore true anger — would really cut down on the enjoyment as I shoot them into the side of a wooden, ice-covered shed. But wait! Maybe if we wire them with explosives, they’d feel pain AND be gadgets.
Good point, Brian. I broke my rule: Always Listen to Elvis and Nick.
Okay, so what if, instead of Angry Robot Birds, they were Angry CYBORG Birds? Imagine grackles with the aerodynamics and firepower of a miniature F-16 combined with the self-control of your average Jerry Springer guest!
Cawwwwwwwwwwww-BOOM!
Just think about it. That’s all I’m saying.
CC — Now you’re talking my language.
It’s 6: 30am so I’m not at the top of my game; if I were, I’d leave something clever that both conveys my appreciation of your humor and subtly implies, through its cleverness, that I could have written something of comparable wit. Alas, in my diminished state, I can only say: yer funny. I like you.
(Have to ask: you’re a good-looking guy, Daryl–so why does your thumbnail pic make you look like that one uncle who works at the meat-packing plant and who everybody knows is just a little…different?
Okay, for you, Mary, I tried to change my headshot. Hopefully now I look like that guy in the neighborhood who drives a windowless van and parks near school bus stops.
Mission accomplished, George! The Creepiometer registers a subtle but definite change in both quality and quantity.
Joking aside–you really are a very funny man, Daryl. I know that as you read this comment, you’re probably making a slight spluttering noise and shifting uncomfortably in your chair, but it’s true.